I could not bear to be alone. I worked for years on the fear of rejection, and then on the pain of feeling rejected, but as I cycled through the layers of belief and emotion it was becoming clear that there was something underneath this fear and pain, something I was trying to avoid at all costs.
It took me years to come close enough to the centre of the wound to hear its whispered pleas, “I am petrified to be alone, please don’t leave me”.
I’d do anything to not feel it. I had an arsenal of strategies to keep myself away from that pain. When I feared or felt rejection, I had dissociation into fantasy where I could live out the movie of being wanted, loved, needed, revered, respected. When I felt separate and unable to connect I had alcohol, drugs and cigarettes to numb the pain and distract me into a relaxed stupor. When I felt desolate with aloneness and completely unloved, I had behaviours that tried to force attention from those I wanted it from most.
All of these strategies, sometimes employed all at once, represent ways I was trying to fill that wound up, stuff it full so it no longer gaped and hurt and cried for attention. I tried to deny it, soothe it, fix it.
None of the strategies worked. There may have been temporary relief from the screaming pain of aloneness and isolation, moments of distraction and dissociation where the world seemed a little quieter, the body a little less tense and buzzing, thoughts slower and easier to observe. But these reveries were short, sometimes only moments long.
The wound kept shouting for my attention.
I know now that there was a good reason why I would not move closer to it and work with it sooner. A lifetime of rejection and self-criticism meant that I started the healing journey with no sense of self, no self love and no self respect. I had to build a foundation of these before I felt resourced enough to move towards my core wound.
When I had shifted and resolved and evolved to a point that my heart felt strong, my confidence bolstered and my sense of self shining through, that is when I took some steps towards that pain I had experienced all of my life, and for the first time was able to just be with it. I sat and witnessed. I asked it questions. I took its place and allowed my strong heart to contain how it felt.
What a challenge that was. And what a breakthrough. The hardness and complicatedness of it, the enormity and sharp edges that I had always sensed in it, all melted away when I came to just be with it. Because it had been screaming at me all my life for one reason only. It’s message was quickly clear.
“I only did this because I love you. And I only want you to love me back”.
That is what the pain told me. That is why it sobbed and thrashed and shouted for so long. It was a part of me that needed love and did not get it from my caregivers at a young age. And so it was exciled, locked behind a door and the longer it was locked away, the scarier and stronger and bigger it became.
It wanted love from its parents, a love they could not give. Locked away because my child brain believed there was no way to resolve this deep grief and loss of love, I continued to believe there was no solution to this pain. No way to relieve that rejected and unloved part. And so I pushed it so deep inside that I hoped I could just ignore it.
Turns out I was wrong. Because when I finally evolved to the point that I could open that door and listen to what that part wanted, it gave me a simple and profound answer. It didn’t need the impossible, a love that was not available from other people. It only needed MY love. MY respect. MY acceptance.
And that is a power beyond measure. When we live in desperation, fear, and longing for the lost love of others, yes its a pain that is hard, but it is not the end. We give away all of our innate, Universe-given power by believing this love and acceptance comes from others. No. It was never meant to.
I thank my parents, my breakdown into illness, my long and difficult healing journey, because it gave me an opportunity to learn this truth, a truth that no one in my family had seemed able to get close to. The suffering was, and still is, my opportunity to learn, grow, evolve, surpass these old ancestral patterns. I am the heroine in my ancestry, the one who seeks the light to show others how to do the same, if they choose to.
The power, beauty and profound insight of a healing journey can be coming to this realisation. That what we always needed, what we yearn and crave and scramble for our whole lives – and we employ all the strategies to get – that, my dearest ones, is something you already have. The healing journey is a process of realising that you have that power right now, within. You have all you ever need and want.
I’m living proof. Lets walk together on this evolutionary journey, lets reclaim our innate power. Lets love ourselves to the health and happiness we all deserve.
Honouring your courage, Jen
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Jen Evans: Women’s Wellness Circle Co-Director and Coach
Jen is a dedicated and compassionate Wellness Coach, EFT and Matrix Reimprinting Practitioner (EFTi Accredited), teacher, writer and (slightly obsessive!) herb gardener.
Jen spent a lifetime with stress-related illnesses that culminated in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in 2012. Through her recovery journey she tried – well, everything – and truly started to heal after joining the Gupta Program (for which she is now a coach).
She now strives to support and develop nurturing spaces for others to connect with their true self, and realise their abundant power to heal and live purposeful, passionate, fulfilled lives.